The Dianette Demon

Now this blog post is a little different to my other blogs, at this point, my blog posts have no running theme, so if that’s what you’re looking for, please find the nearest exit. We’re just talking about everything here. It’s a safe space, grab a blanket.

While i’ll always try be witty and funny

Try? I’m a natural..

This post deserves a little bit of seriousness. 

Contraception.

Men, stick around too, it’s worth you reading this, for the sake of the women in your life.

Deep breath, here we go.

I started taking hormonal contraception, more specifically, the pill when I was 15. The doctors prescribed it, due to acne, because at that time sadly, many doctors put a plaster on a problem instead of solving the underlying issue. Rather than understanding if you had hormonal acne or bacterial acne or really looking into the issues with your body, they prescribed the pill and a face wash and you were on your way. 

I suffered with severe acne and it became an insecurity of mine in my late teens and early 20’s. The worst bit is, it came out of nowhere, one minute I had clear skin and the next, my entire face, neck, back and chest were covered. Not going to lie, teenage Nic was dealt a rather shitty deck of cards. I suffered with severe acne, I had to wear glasses and I had a mouth full of braces, oh and absolutely no boobs. My mum always said I was a late developer, guess she was right - again. Minus the boobs, had to buy those. Anyways those were the days where kids were mean and all I can say now is, it was definitely character building. That’s probably why I’m funny.

Although we had google back then, (I’m not that old), social media wasn’t like it is now and access to information around certain topics wasn’t as prominant. There wasn’t multiple people on TikTok talking about acne, so I went to my GP and hoped for the best. 

Now looking back at the drastic change from me aged 14 to 15, it was significant, but I and those around me, never even considered it could be related to the pill. The mood swings, the ups, the downs, the irritability was all just passed off as teenage hormones. I kinda get why my Mum always said my brother was the ‘easier child’. She still says it now to be honest. 

The irony of it is, the first pill I was prescribed actually makes acne worse… make it make sense. I only found this out years later at a pill check up appointment, when the nurse asked why I’d been taking that particular pill for acne. Like thanks honey, pour petrol on the fire.

Later into my teens I was prescribed Roaccutane for acne. I lasted a month. 

The doctors warned of severe side effects such as low mood, depression and in some cases suicidal thoughts. After a month on Roaccutane, I noticed I was really down for absolutely no reason and the moment my Mum picked up on it, she drove me straight back to the GP and they took me off it immediately. So yes positive, but at this point my acne had reached a whole new level of extreme.

For years I had numerous appointments with the GP and dermatologist, trying every cream, every antibiotic, every new skincare treatment, arguing with them that the antibiotic Doxycycline is for bacterial acne not hormonal acne and it was pointless to prescribe it to me.

Like i’d done my research at this point. One thing about me, I love researching things. I could see a video about dolphins on TikTok and I love to research every angle of it. It may be some sort of tism, but I love learning about random stuff. So when they repeatedly kept trying to prescribe me Doxycycline, which is actually an antibiotic used to treat Chlamydia, which is a form of bacteria, I wasn’t having it. How is that supposed to treat a hormonal imbalance? Honestly at points, it felt like I was talking to a wall. 

Eventually I was offered Dianette also known as Diane-35. It was basically a two in one, contraceptive benefits and it cleared your skin. The doctors basically promoted it as a bit of a wonder pill and I’m not going to lie, it kinda was. 

Within a few months my skin cleared and honestly after years of suffering with acne, I can’t even put into words how happy I was. I had clear skin. I didn’t get a single spot, my skin chilled the fuck out and it wasn’t as oily. Not waking up with literal cysts on my face was unreal, 10/10. 

Now this is the part I should have noticed, but never did. Every month when i’d have my pill free week, I was down, incredibly down, I was irritable, I had mood swings, it was like I had a million thoughts in my head all running at 100mph. It was exhausting. I felt like I was at war with my own mind for a week each month. Everything small, felt big, i’d cry over nothing, i’d spiral over nothing and I never once questioned the pill. I just assumed I was hormonal, as you are when it’s that time of the month. I researched into something called PMDD which is basically a very intense version of PMS, and I just assumed it was that, because why would I think any different?

This went on for years. I managed it because I always knew within a week i’d be back to normal. It became a running joke with friends and family, ‘It’s Nicole’s pill free week, she’s going to feel terrible’. I guess when something becomes a joke, you rarely stop to ask if it should actually be a concern.

Now this is the kicker, for 6 months I came off the pill. I was getting cramps in my legs to the point I couldn’t sleep. The doctors were concerned about DVT and blood clots so I was taken off the pill for 6 months. Hindsight is a beautiful thing, but luckily all my WhatsApp chats are backed up. Looking back on those 6 months, I felt ‘normal’, no spiralling, no mood swings, everything just felt quiet. I’d sent messages to my Mum and friends, saying how good I felt, but at that time I just assumed life was good, never linking it to the pill. 

Oh and my periods were normal not heavy, not long, no emotional crash, just normal.

After 6 months the doctor cleared me to go back on Dianette. They also advised that I could take it for 3 months, then have a week break and repeat that cycle, rather than having a break every 21 days; to reduce the frequency of the low moods, so I did. Win win. 3 months without a crash? Sign me up honey.

So I did that, for a little while, but I started noticing that one week crash was becoming two, and then it was becoming constant. I felt so down, i’d cry at the smallest things, i’d distance myself from everyone, my mood swings were tough, my thoughts were racing x1000, I couldn’t sleep properly, my appetite was terrible and at one point I genuinely assumed I was either pregnant or depressed. I was mentally at war with myself. Me and my mind were not friends. But life was good at the time, I had no worries, so why the fuck was I so down? It made no sense.

I spoke with the GP - again, and they had no clue. ‘Have you had any significant life changes, are you drinking more alcohol or taking any form of drugs’… nope. 

Then she asked what medication I take, I just said the contraceptive pill and I was taking it back to back and thats when the lightbulb finally fucking switched on. Gosh this feels like an Eastenders story line. 

Firstly I was told you’re only supposed to take Dianette for a maximum of 4/5 cycles, so 4/5 months. It’s such a strong hormonal drug that it should never be prescribed for long term use. I’d been on it 9 years and had pill check ups every 6 months, so how was it never flagged?

Then taking the pill back-to-back was flooding my body with synthetic hormones, and my nervous system just couldn’t keep up anymore. I didn’t realise but most combined pills and especially long-term continuous dosing without a regular break, increases synthetic progestins and estrogen. Those things mixed together affects your HPA Axis and your amygdala. Basically the place that regulates your cortisol, adrenaline and nervous system response. Distrupting that causes intrusive thoughts, catastrophising, obsessive looping and low moods. How cute. Love that for me.

Now increasing estrogen considerably and then dropping it during a week break, or in my case taking the pill for three months at a time and practically overdosing on hormones and then having a week break, basically makes your estrogen drop enormously and you go into withdrawl. This can cause depressive symptoms, PMDD, anxiety and the inability to regulate your nervous system. Even cuter.

So basically this all causes your prefrontal cortex to be impaired and suppressed. So the part of your brain that goes, 'okay relax we can figure it out’, mine was like no bitch lets think about five hundred things at once and make you feel absolutely fucking shocking, and you won’t even understand why. I kinda feel like the pill was a bit of a narcissist, why was it gaslighting me like that? It’s giving toxic relationship.

So in short, my entire nervous system was absolutely fucked. The back to back use was almost like a taster, the week break was the main course and all I had was depression for dessert. 

So in true Nicole style, I did my research. Normally when you type Dianette into google it comes up with all the good stories about people’s clear skin, ‘the wonder pill’. The only side effects really listed are to do with blood clots and migraines. But then I typed in Dianette and depression, and I was hit by article after article of people who had experienced the exact same thing. Dianette has been restricted in several countries due to safety concerns, and I came across cases where women and families believed the pill had played a role in severe mental health struggles and suicide. 

Yeah…

So again, I deep dived, I went back through every WhatsApp conversation with friends or my Mum and looked at the dates that I was on a pill free week and of course, every month, I was struggling. Every month I was spiralling over something and complaining that my brain wouldn’t just shut the fuck up. 

So I stopped taking the pill, but as you know with any medication or drug, it can take a while to get out of your system. It wasn’t just stop taking it and the next day you feel great and the one thing I knew was that once the pill was out of my system, the acne would resurface. How exciting. If you’re interested in hearing about my acne journey post pill, drop me a line and i’ll conjure up another blog post, but in the meantime, back to Dianette. 

Sadly at the time, life was pretty tough, i’m sure you may have gathered from my recent blog posts. So the issues with the pill, plus actual life issues were not the ideal cocktail. I personally prefer a pornstar but I digress.

At the time I wasn’t eating properly, I was barely sleeping, my body wasn’t at its best and my mind was at war with itself. It was probably one of the hardest times i’d ever been through. 

Hate to say it but my Mum literally picked me up off the hallway floor one afternoon. I lost about a stone in weight and for once in my life I didn’t have chubby cheeks. Not cute, not part of my personal brand. 

I suffered with panic attacks and if you’ve never had a panic attack, I honestly don’t wish them on you. My panic attacks were that often and that intense, I didn’t know what to do. Being unable to breathe, regulate or see properly while your whole body goes numb is terrifying. It felt like being trapped underwater while sitting in my own living room, like my body was there but I wasn’t. It feels strange even writing this now because it feels so far removed from Nicole 3.0 and how life is now, but you have to go through stuff to grow through stuff right?

In a state of pure panic one morning after back to back panic attacks, I text my auntie in New Zealand, it was 3am and I knew she’d be awake due to the time difference. Your girl just needed someone to talk to instead of her own mind. 

She called me and I explained everything i’d been going through. She asked what pill I’d been taking, and of course I said Dianette.

She paused, she sighed.. ‘oh fuck Nicole, I wish you’d told me before’ 

Now her story is not mine to tell but to give you an insight she’d been on the same pill for 15 years, she had the same experience but actually a little worse. I don’t know what God was looking out for me that night, because I didn’t speak to her often, so I never knew what she’d gone through, but to hear she’d been through the exact same thing, was unbelievably validating and reassuring. 

Maybe I wasn’t actually just crazy?

Maybe my body had been trying to tell me something for years, and I was only just learning how to listen.

I’m not writing this to scare anyone off contraception. I’m writing this because women deserve to know their bodies are not problems to be silenced, they are signals to be listened to and understood.

The pill works wonders for many women. For others, like me, it came at a cost I didn’t even realise I was paying.  Since stopping contraception i’ve spoken to so many women, friends, strangers, people on the internet about their experiences with contraception and it’s actually eye opening how many women have struggled with contraception. I guess it’s not really a topic people think to discuss, ‘yeah how was your weekend, weathers shit isn’t it, by the way, are you on contraception’. So yeah I thought I’d bring it to my blog and hopefully at least one person reads it and resonates in some way. 

I put up a TikTok post and the amount of girls and women i’ve had message me about Dianette, other pills and acne issues is unbelievable. I just wish there had been something like this when I was 15. 

So my advice? If you’re taking a form of hormonal contraception and you don't feel like yourself, if your thoughts feel louder than they used to, if your emotional world feels harder to regulate, it’s worth asking questions. Not because you’re dramatic, but because not everything works for everyone.

For the first time in years, my mind feels quieter. Not perfect, but normal. I don’t have 500 things running through my head at once and if I do, if life is a little crazy or work is a little hectic, I can actually deal with it and regulate myself.

I also just feel happy. Yeah during that time of the month, I do feel a little flat here and there, but nothing like before, I probably eat more chocolate than I should, but lets tackle one problem at a time shall we?

I don’t overthink everything and my mind doesn’t build a mountain out of a molehill - one of my Mums sayings again.

Of course as you know from my other blog posts, I also started therapy after my life decided to take a nose dive and that definitely helped. Do you know how many people have said to me, over the last 6 months, ‘you’re such a chill person, nothing stresses you’. 

Yeah I know honey, been there, done that, 0/10, wouldn’t recommend.

I saw a quote that said ‘it rained in my head for so long, but now look at all these flowers’.

Yeah…I guess we've got a whole garden flourishing.

Until next time x