and how does that make you feel?

I dunno honey I was hoping you’d tell me.

Let’s talk therapy shall we? 

I had quite a few messages after my last blog post about my battle with Dianette and it seems you lot were interested in my therapy journey. You lot are so nosey, but thankfully I can write a lot without saying too much. One of my key skills, might add that to my CV.

Honestly, sometimes I'd love to write blogs about some of the things I’ve lived through, but there's a potential I'd be hit with a cease and desist. However, maybe one day I'll write a book… Wait on it Bronwen. 

All proceedings would absolutely have to go to my Mum, she’s been asking me to write a book since I used to write stories as a kid about a toy dog I had. Your girl has always been a writer.

And like I said before, I have to save something for the group chat. I know my friends absolutely love story time with Nic. Note to my friends, if I ever die before my time… delete my notes app, delete our WhatsApp chats and for the love of God, do not play any of my voice notes at my funeral. 

Anyways, therapy.

I started therapy around 6 months ago, why you ask? Because your girl hit rock bottom and then realised there was a trap door. Dramatic I know, but I’m just been real. What may be small to one person, can feel enormous to another, so lets not discredit anyone's experience shall we.

Battling with the pill and my hormones, navigating a breakup with a man I was wholeheartedly, head over heels in love with, leaving the place I’d built a home in, moving work…again, and one of the hardest things - leaving my dog behind, because it was the right thing to do… so yeah, triggering to say the least. 

0/10 wouldn't recommend. Miss you Lolli x

My mum always says bad things come in 3’s. I know I've never been good at maths but Mum, I kinda think that was more than 3. 

If you know me, you know I’m the sort of person that will always put in that work. Whenever I've gone through anything in life, I take the time to work through it, understand it and grow. As you know by now I love researching, I love learning and more than anything I love personal growth. Like how exciting that I can continuously learn things about myself and work each day to become a better version of myself than I was the day before? Love that for me. 

So yeah, in the past I have put in the work and for a long time I thought I didn't need therapy. Without blowing my own trumpet, I’ve always been pretty self-aware. I’ve never struggled to look inwards or ask myself difficult questions. I’m all for breaking generational cycles. I can recognise patterns and understand where my reactions come from. I’m definitely not scared of uncomfortable conversations, tough emotions or looking at the parts of me that still need work. However, this time I was like you know what, I could do with some fucking help.

I could do with speaking to someone about life, about the past and about current circumstances who doesn’t have a biased opinion and someone who doesn’t actually know me. So in true Nicole style, if I say I’m going to do something, I do it and I did.

I started therapy and I'm not going to lie, for once I was actually a little nervous. I was like 'where do I even start'. One thing about me is I'm very particular with those I have around me. I'm particular with those I share my life, thoughts and personal experiences with, so unpacking the deepest corners of Nicole with a random stranger, was a little unnerving. 

The first few sessions were interesting. We didn't start on any particular topic or stick to any particular topic, she asked me questions which helped me consider things in a way I probably wouldn't have before. We dived into the TA ego states - loved that, We talked through patterns, triggers, good points and things I needed to work on, the whole (Maneesh on the beat) Shabang. 

So I know what your next question is.. What did you learn in therapy Nic?

Well grab a cuppa or a tequila, make sure it's a reposado and we'll dive in. 

Firstly, I still go to therapy. Not bi-weekly like I used to, but I still go because I don't think healing and growth are linear and I also don't think there's an end point. It's not a university degree, there's no dissertation. I still go as a bit of a check in with myself, a place where I can discuss everything that's going on in my life and mind. I've found this useful because if I'm ever stressing about something, I think to myself - 'we'll pick this up in therapy', put it in a box and continue with life, because one thing I have learned is that not everything needs a reaction right away and especially an emotional one. 

Something which I've really worked through in therapy is my level of empathy, as you know by now, I could probably empathise with a tree if you gave me the time to. I saw a quote that said 'I used to feel sorry for inanimate objects as a kid, I should have known that life was going to be tricky'... yeah, amen, put that on a T-Shirt. 

But accountability doesn't have to be self blame and empathy doesn't have to be self erasure.

Alongside this, intellectualising everything isn’t always healthy. It’s great to understand things, of course, but you can’t understand your way out of every situation. Sometimes you actually just have to feel it, experience it and not observe it. Intellectualising is actually a bit of a blocker. That anxiety?…Yeah propranolol is great, 10/10 for panic attacks. However thinking about why you have it and building a whole case study on it, actually just slows down the process of getting through it, because sometimes things need to be physically felt in your body, not rationalised in your mind.

Also, boundaries aren't punishments. Boundaries are actually very fucking healthy. You can say no, without an explanation, you can say 'you know what, that's not okay, that doesn't align with me or my values' and you don't have to mould yourself into someone you're not, because you're scared of people leaving.

The big thing I've really worked on understanding is capacity, which I touched on in a previous blog post. Capacity is developed through life stage, emotional maturity and self awareness. The version people show up as, depends on their capacity, not always a reflection of you.

Now don't get me wrong, you can't go around treating people like shit and when they react, say 'this is this because of their capacity'. Treat people as you’d like to be treated. While also being considerate and compassionate of circumstances. We’re all human, we’re all doing this thing called life for the first time, there’s bound to be fuck ups. But understand that sometimes people can only meet you at the level they've met themselves, and vice versa… you feel me?

There's so much more I could talk about and dive into, but this is a blog, not an autobiography and I'm also not a therapist. She charges good money for those sessions, I'm not giving it out for free. Come on now, the hustle is the hustle. 

So my advice?

Go to therapy, it's great.

Learn about yourself, I bet you're way more interesting than you think.

Hit rock bottom honey, the only way is up.

Fall in love, even if it hurts, it's absolutely fucking worth it. 

Avoid heartbreak, 0/10 wouldn’t recommend, but it'll make you funnier (my therapist thinks I'm hilarious).

Drink the wine, book the flight and enjoy the ride... even the turbulence. 

One thing I always say to my therapist after every session is:

'Right, I'm going to go live some life now, I'll let you know how it goes'.

And I guess that's what I'm doing right now.

Living life.

Until next time x