Kintsugi

Hey, just me, back again.

I know, I know, I said I wouldn’t leave it this long, forgive me. I’ve been busy living life, but as promised I have a few blog posts written and ready to go. However, before we completely switch directions on the content, I got one more for ya.

Shall we talk about breaking cycles?

Oooo, trigger words.

Damn, not me sounding like a therapist all of a sudden.

Let me give you a bit of a back story. So, I planned to completely change directions on the blog content and after this one, I am. I mean, I can’t write about heartbreak forever, but the amount of messages I get about my ‘comeback’ therapy infused, sad bunny to bad bunny content is unreal, like you guys really care about what I write?

Love that for me.

During a recent conversation with my Mum, I was like ‘wait, hold up’, grabbed my phone, opened my notes app and started writing.

A lil blog post idea popped into my head and I had to get pen to paper, or fingers to phone. So I actually wrote the ending first and I’ve just waited for the rest of the blog to come to me and here it is.

Enjoy I guess…

So as you’re very much aware by now, breaking cycles has been a big part of my 2026. Healing, learning, growing? Yeah you get it by now.

And I’m not gonna lie, if April Nic met August Nic, I think she’d pass away. I think she’d be proud for sure, but I think she’d be like… ‘yeahhh right’. Because back in April? Boy, I thought I was going to be in the depths of depression forever.

I remember sitting across from my friend in a restaurant, probably two stone lighter than I am now, and she was talking to me about ‘girls trips and a fun summer’ and I honestly wanted to throw the bottle of wine at her.

Now? We’ve drank that bottle, popped another and ordered a round of shots before we head to the airport. Ah, funny how life works.

Anyways, if you’ve been in therapy already or if you’re pretty self aware, you’ll probably know what I mean when I say I’ve started to notice just how much of life can feel like a cycle, and how many of those patterns can date back to childhood. What do they say? Everyone you meet in life is a cycle, a mirror, a window or a door. Yeah I love a metaphor.

So without going into full blown therapy mode, because like I said before, she charges good money for those sessions. Let’s talk about all of the above.

I think so much of who we become as people is shaped by our upbringing, our childhood, our circumstances and the things we’re exposed to, sometimes from an age where we don’t even think it matters.

Have you ever heard parents say things like ‘yeah she was only like 2 years old, she won’t remember’? Yeah, maybe you won’t consciously remember everything, but I think we’re constantly learning things subconsciously, even if we’re not realising it at the time. Remember you feel things in your body, before you understand them in your mind.

Are you still with me?

People talk about childhood trauma and think it has to be something really bad or damaging and I think that’s such a major misconception. At least from what I’ve learned about myself, you don’t have to have gone through something life shattering for experiences from childhood to impact you as an adult.

I think the way you’re treated and spoken to, the environments and behaviours you’re exposed to and the ‘normal’ things you live, can all impact you as an adult and shape the way you think, feel, live and of course… Love.

One major part of my therapy sessions was looking at my current behaviours and patterns and understanding where they came from. Like I said before, understanding the TA ego states was very insightful, defo research into them, if you’re into that kinda thing.

For me, the first step to changing or growing has been understanding. So yeah, I spent a lot of time understanding why I was the way I was and what behaviours were actually learned behaviours. One thing I mentioned to my therapist was sometimes in life, I do things or act a certain way and it annoys me, like I get genuinely annoyed by myself, like the behaviour or thought doesn’t actually match who I feel I am as a person. I’ve since figured that, for me, some of that comes from learned behaviours I picked up as a child which don’t necessarily align with the person I am today.

Cray-Z.

For me personally, I had a really good childhood, I guess from the outside looking in, I had a very stereotypical family life. My parents were married, I had a younger brother and a dog, all I was really missing was the white picket fence. It was brown, but anyways. I never thought I’d have any childhood ‘trauma’, but I think life is like an onion, trauma is like an onion. There’s layers to this shit, you just gotta put your goggles on and peel.

And boy did we peel.

I don’t make New Years resolutions, not my thing, but I made a mid year resolution and it was to break the damn cycle. Find the root, pull it up and make it into compost, to scatter on my freshly grown garden.

That was some good word play from me, even I surprised myself there.

So that’s what I did and that’s what I’m doing. Because I genuinely believe and know in my soul that something amazing is coming, but like I said to my therapist, I kinda felt like I was stuck in a room, there’s a door to escape but I can’t find the key. I guess the key was breaking certain cycles so I could leave the room I’ve been chilling in most of my life.

Now before you all start to assume and put 2 and 2 together and get 17.

Do I think my last relationship was the root? Absolutely not, far from it actually. I think it was a mix of a cycle and a window. Certain things and patterns showed up that I recognised, but it also showed me things I want and love. But unfortunately a window is a window and you can’t walk through those.

Unless of course you’re remodelling your house and changing the window for bi-fold doors. But I digress.

But yeah, when I finally sat across from the man who I guess jackhammered my heart, a seat I never expected to sit in, I had spent months working on myself, the hardest, most gruelling time I’ve probably ever gone through.

It was a period of life that broke me, but also inspired me to break cycles that dated back to childhood. I picked myself up from a version of me who struggled to eat a custard cream, never mind a meal. I put my heart back together piece by piece and as I sat there, during a brief silence, I didn’t feel bitter, I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t feel anxious, or sad for that matter. Tbh I sat there hoping he was enjoying his coffee.

And I guess that’s just who I am.

Like I always said, circumstances will never change my character, my soul or the person I am. I will learn and I will grow and I will continue to become a better version of me than I was yesterday, but I’ll still be me.

And I’m proud of that.

I’m proud of her.

And you know what I love? Yeah, I got my heart broken, but have you ever seen the traditional Japanese art Kintsugi? Where they repair broken pottery with powdered gold and it’s way prettier than it originally was?

That’s kinda what my heart looks like now.

How fucking cute.

Until next time x